I always knew I was going to be drawing something like this someday. We said goodbye to Frances earlier this week. If you were a reader of Bassetville or maybe just like the drawing click here or on the image itself for a printable PDF of the artwork.

My in-laws were over Saturday afternoon to see our new house. The Wife asked me to cut up the jalapenos for the salad accompanying our steak. I did so. Then I washed my hands. Followed by showing my Father-in-Law something while lunch was being prepared. Then I washed my hands again. Eating commenced, was delicious and then completed. The washing of the hands happened again.

A few minutes later the beer I had decided it was time to leave and I excused myself to use the facilities and did so. (I also washed my hands after that but it isn’t really germane.) Shortly after I discovered a burning sensation originating from my nether region. Now, I am a faithful man so I knew said burning was not the result of a red light rendezvous.

That knowledge however didn’t help me figure out what was going on for a good 15 minutes or so. During which time I became (understandably) irritable with the attention span of an addle-brained goldfish. Unfortunately my in-laws started to think this had something to do with their presence and not some unseen irritation I didn’t feel like announcing to the world (well, at that time anyway).

At this point I had deduced what happened, informed my wife discreetly and excused myself again to look up remedies. I knew to drink milk after eating hot food (I AM from outside of Buffalo originally) but surely it wouldn’t be applicable as a topical aid (it is). With relief in site I went back up stairs to the sound of muffled snickers and the new found knowledge that my beloved sucks at keeping secrets (which was a good call because I hadn’t realized my mood was making our guests feel like they were no longer welcome).

Meekly, I poured myself a glass of milk and excused myself for one final time to wash most delicate of areas (particularly at this point). The relief was instantaneous and we were able to have a good laugh about it for the remainder of the visit. But I’m sure if you’ve made it this far I suppose you are looking for a moral to this story and I would have to say it is this:

If you ever come over for a visit bring your own glassware because I can’t remember which one I used.